Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
