hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
