Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
