I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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