A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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