i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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