when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
