how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
