Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
