i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
