Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
