You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
