you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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