dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
