so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
