I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize