Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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