any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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