im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
