meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
