Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
