my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
