i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
