his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
