I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
