96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
