I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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