I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
