Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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