you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize