I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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