We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
