I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I supernannyed him into submission
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize