I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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