Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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