my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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