Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
