Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
