i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
