his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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