That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize