you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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