You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
