Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
