I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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