I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
