life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
