Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
