I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
