My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can I color on your dick again?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
