If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I did not marry a roomba.
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