Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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