I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
