Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I need to calm my uterus...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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