booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
