i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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