My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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