Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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