Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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