I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
